Sunday, April 26, 2009


Every since my first colonoscopy a week ago, I have been obsessed with my doody…at least more so than usual.

I was consumed with questions:
Will I ever make a doody again?
If so, how long will it take?
What will it look like (e.g., color, shape, consistency)?
Will it be able to play the piano?

Well, I will no longer keep you in suspense, for I am here to tell you that, so far, my doodies have been absolutely fascinating.

The first doody reared its bulbous head exactly two days after the procedure, and I am proud to report that I created a ginormous mound of the brown magic. That was quite surprising; I figured since my colon was starting from scratch, so to speak, I would embark down this newly-paved Doody Avenue with a series of small doodies. Imagine my delight at the precious plethora of poop.

To paraphrase Kahlil Gibran (or was it Morris Schmeckman?), “This was the first doody of the rest of my life.”

As if that wasn’t exciting enough, the following day I had not one, but two bowel movements: one in the a.m. and one in the p.m. This was becoming more intriguing than Season Four of “Lost.”

However, nothing prepared me for what happened today. It was another a.m. visitation, and this time, nestled next to each other in the bowl like two innocent newborn (brown) chicks were two magical turds—each the exact same size and shape, each complete with a pert little tail. If I ever doubted the existence of God, this put the kibosh on that, fella.

It was akin to laying eyes upon Donny and Marie, or Sonny and Cher, and other great humanitarians of the early 1800s. I had to fight back the temptation to dress them up in cute outfits and take them with me to the L.A. Times Festival of Books.

Needless to say, my anal region explodes with excitement in anticipation of what will happen next.


  1. I, too, am fascinated by bowel movements to the point that my sister just wrote on my main blog,, "why do all your posts revolve around poop?" Then she suggested I become a scatologist, which I found out, is the study of fecal matter.


  3. Hey Shopgirl101,

    I saw this book that was titled something like "What Your Poo Is Telling You." I think it might be right up your, um, alley.

  4. They created a job for that? Whoa.

  5. I have had enough poop for one day. Hell, for a lifetime. If I never change another diaper, wipe someone's ass or try to force someone to take I dump before we get in the car I will be a happy woman.

    I'm glad everything is coming out for you alright.

  6. It took a number of years but I've trained my wife to email from work when she has a particularly enjoyable passage. Women too often view the deuce as an unmentionable rather than a recreational event.

  7. Dear Jerry,
    My name is Marsha Marx. I enjoyed reading your piece about doody. As a matter of fact, it's probably the best doody piece I've read in a long time. It's nice to find a man, who can appreciate a nice bowel movement. My husband, Skid, does not appreciate the sight or smell, of a nice healthy bowel movement, which leads me to a question. Your doody piece did not mention whether your procedure altered the smell of your doody. Was this simply an oversight on your part or an intentional omission? I've always been a firm believer that you could tell your future from the shape, length, etc. of your doody! I know that this a controversial issue among doody afficianados. I would like to know your thoughts on this issue and whether such a procedure alters the doodies predictive nature. I anxiously await your reply.

    Marsha Marx

  8. Dear Jerry,
    This is Sgt. Bill Markowitz - you can call me Sgt. BM for short. I work out of the west valley police division. On Tuesday night, we got a 911 call from an elderly man, in Reseda. Apparently, a polyp escaped a lab, somewhere in the San Fernando Valley and entered this man's house through an unlatched doggie door. Luckily we arrived just prior to this nasty polyp inserting itself in this poor elderly man's anus. We would like you to come down to the station for some informal questioning regarding the renegade polyp. From your poop on my scoop blog, perhaps you could help us in our investigation. We plan on putting this polyp in a line up and hopefully you can identify the source of this culprit. Please contact me at 1800copduty.

    Sincerely, Sgt. BM

  9. The outpouring of your responses has warmed the cockles of my bowels, and reaffirms my faith in all Americans of a poopy persuasion. Rest assured that the aromatic quality of my excretions has maintained its pleasing scent of poopourri, and that the polyp perp mentioned by Sgt. BM is safely behind bars, thanks to our men in brown.