Sunday, October 25, 2009


Many scientists the world over, including France, have recently come to the realization that chickens never catch the flu.

This discovery, like all great discoveries such as America and frozen waffles, came about quite accidentally.

As most people of average intelligence know, the method for developing the flu vaccine is based on a 50-year-old method of injecting the flu virus into eggs.

The virus feeds on the egg whites, the eggshells are cracked, the virus is killed and the substance is purified. Many of you have already practiced this in your own home using the Heath Kit Lil’ Egg Flu Vaccine Maker.

So, if you are one of the hundreds of paranoids waiting in line for your flu shot this year, perhaps there is an easier, more holistic approach:

Be more chicken-like in your everyday life.

As explained by Cal State Dinuba scientist Messugah Chalaza, “The chicken egg is not upset when the flu virus is injected, and therefore chickens are immune. I therefore urge every man and woman to immediately renounce his or her homo sapienness and embrace their homo chickenness. Unfortunately, pygmies will get the flu no matter what. Now, where’s my pap? I want my pap!”

Local poultry rights activists are providing another reason to become familiar with your inner chicken. They believe that injecting a flu virus into an innocent egg is murder, and that the vaccine should instead be tested on non-living things such as homeless people.

Thos who still wish to tap their inner chicken are advised to follow the teachings found in the recent best-selling book by Deepeck Cluckra, “The Way of the Chicken,” which outlines how humans can become more chicken-like.

The book’s main advice includes:

• Do not be ashamed of your pecker. Display it proudly at all times.

• Associate with more cocks on a daily basis.

• What you think may be a bowel movement could actually be an egg. As you are upon the bowl (or “porcelain nest”), repeat the mantra, “Round, white, round, white,” for at least an hour. Check carefully before you flush.

• Remember the basics:
1. Cluck on a daily basis, no matter how loud and sweaty you may get.
2. Flap your wings (or arms) erratically, not matter how futile and annoying it may be to others.
3. Avoid rotisseries.

Sunday, October 11, 2009


You would think that ordering a cup of coffee would be easy. Mindless. Something a monkey could easily be trained to do.

Think again, my presupposing post-primate.

Today I visited my local Barnes and Noble. Following the lead of Mrs. Jerry K, instead of actually buying books and contributing to the local economy and supporting the authors, I begin a book in the bookstore, make a note of what page I stopped at, then continue at said page on my next visit.

Hey, what do you want from a guy who actually washes and reuses plastic forks?

So, I grab my book and head to the in-store Starbucks area. Now, as everyone knows, your penance for sitting in this most hallowed of areas is that you have to purchase something. Bastardos!

The area is usually filled with high school or community college students who gather there to work on homework. Except that 90 percent of the time, they are too busy talking to get any work done.

And that is why we need to immediately stop funding all educational institutions! Shut ‘em all down, I say! That's the only logical conclusion.

Anyway, I just want to buy the cheapest thing possible and read a book that I’m too cheap to buy.

Now, I considered embellishing this little exchange in order to make it—I don’t know—funny. But I swear on the life of my pet chicken that the following actually happened and that I am repeating it verbatim.

Can I have a small coffee, please? (I refuse to say dente or stupende or schmente or whatever made-up words they have up there on the menu.)

Would you like room for cream?


Would you like to have anything from the display case?

I would, but I better not. (That’s me being friendly and reaching out to my fellow human beings. Usually results in blank stares.)

Would you like to also purchase your book?


I’m sorry, did you say you wanted room for cream?


There’s a fresh pot brewing. Would you like to wait for that?


Do you have a Barnes and Noble membership card?


Would you like to purchase one? It will save you ten percent off your purchase today.

No thanks. (Notice how polite I am?)

What is your name? I will call your name when it’s ready.


Did you say “Garry”?

No, JJJJJJJJJerry. (That’s a hard “J” sound, folks. Pretty common name, wouldn’t you say? Yet, you would be amazed at the questions I get. “Is that Jerry with a “J” or a “G”? “Is that J-e-r-r-y or J-e-r-r-i?”)

Now, I ask you: What about all those movies when a guy walks into a diner and asks for a cup of joe. It’s always such a simple transaction, and usually goes something like this:

A cup of coffee, please.

Comin’ right up.

That’s it! That’s all! Sometimes the counterperson says nothing at all. Instead, I get a freakin’ interrogation.

It’s enough to make you think that movies aren’t like real life.