Sunday, January 24, 2010


Television is such a tightly controlled medium, it’s become more and more difficult for viewers to actually encounter anything real.

Even so-called “reality television” is edited for maximum entertainment value, and it’s often difficult to watch these shows, whether it was “Survivor” or “Jersey Shore” or whatever, without half your brain wondering what was edited out and what the reality of each situation really was.

I think many people are really starving for something REAL to show up on television, something that’s not scripted and edited to death.

That’s why Conan O’Brien’s final “Tonight Show” ratings went through the roof; viewers thought they may actually see something real and honest and unpredictable.

That’s also why my favorite TV moment of last year occurred during the 2009 “New Year’s Rockin’ Eve” live special.

As the countdown was being eagerly anticipated, uber-host Ryan Seacrest was on stage in Times Square along with Jennifer Lopez and some other entertainers whose names escape me. Could have been John Mayer or Lady Gaga or Ke$hsa or someone of equally awesome talent.

Anyway, my favorite moment came when these folks were on camera one minute, and then another camera cut away to the Times Square crowd. When they abruptly cut back to Seacrest, J-Lo, et al, an unidentified man was busily fluffing J-Lo’s hair. J-Lo suddenly noticed she was back on camera, and shooed away her hair fluffer, while giving an embarrassed look that said, “Oh, why is that silly guy fluffing my hair again? Well, what are you gonna do?” And the fluffer scurried off the screen.

Obviously, the hair fluffer was supposed to do this while she was off camera, and got caught because it was live TV and the camera can sometimes cut back and forth unpredictably.

Why was this my favorite moment? Several reasons:

• We actually saw something on TV that we weren’t supposed to see. How often does that happen?

• I loved J-Lo’s fake exasperated look, as if she is just a regular gal (you know, “Jenny from the Block”) and hasn’t had her hair fluffed a billion times before, whenever a spare second allows. How can you not love when hypocrisy is exposed? And God forbid she doesn’t look absolutely perfect at all times.

• Her hair looked great, and didn’t need fluffing, but the guy fluffed it anyway. Why?

But the main reason I loved this moment was because it made me think: This must be the most pathetic job in the world—stepping in at every spare moment to fluff up someone’s hair.

OK, maybe “pathetic” is the wrong word. Maybe it’s the most meaningless, vacuous, lame, superficial, sycophantic job in the world. It contributes nothing to society, doesn’t make the world a better place, or make any kind of difference in anyone’s life.

Is it possible that being a hair fluffer is the worst job in the world?

I know there are plenty of terrible jobs out there. All you have to do is watch “Dirty Jobs” for two seconds to realize that. But in reality, plenty of low-paid and blue-collar jobs provide valuable services that improve people’s lives or at least make someone’s day a little more enjoyable.

But as far as white-collar jobs go, stepping in to fluff someone’s hair must be one of the worst.

So next time you are dissatisfied with your occupation, and feel it’s insignificant and ineffectual, just say to yourself: “Well, at least I’m not a hair fluffer.”

Monday, January 18, 2010


One of Mohandas Gandhi’s followers has interrupted his 30-day fast with a telephone call.

“Peace be with you. This is Mohandas Gandhi speaking.”

--“Moishe, this is your mother.”

“Yes, my dear mother. Please just call me Gandhi, as my many followers do.”

--“Oh, mister big shot with the followers already? Listen, Gandala, what is this I hear, you’re not eating?”

“That is correct, mother. I am fasting so that I may spread the message of peace throughout the world.”

--“What happened to the kasha I sent you?”

“As I said, I am fasting so that others will hear my message.”

--“Listen, Aunt Sadie said she saw you in some sort of diaper. Is there a problem with your petzel?”

“No, mother.”

--“Then what exactly is that shmatteh you are wearing?”

“It is called a dhoti, mother. I made it myself with a spinning wheel.”

--“Oh, a spinning wheel. I see. And for this your father and I sent you to law school? Do you at least remember that you are Jewish?”

“Yes I am aware of that, mother. However, I am also a Christian, a Muslim, and a Buddhist."

--“Oy, Gandala, it’s a shanda for the goyim! Listen, your brother Yussell will come around with the car. I’m fixing a nice brisket tonight and your Aunt Sadie has some of your cousin’s old clothes that I’m sure will fit you fine.”


Fun With Chickens recently sat down for tea and cynicism with Simon Fowl, host of the hit amateur reality unscripted karaoke show, “America’s Idle.”

Fowl stopped by the Fun With Chickens mega-studio/mini-mall/dumpster to discuss the upcoming debut of his identical new show, “The Egg Factor,” and to make us feel inadequate about our own income.

Fun With Chickens: The current season of “America’s Idle” began, as always, with a series of auditions. Don’t you feel that you are just humiliating illiterate inbred Southerners and clueless others who have no talent?

Simon Fowl: Absolutely not. We are simply exploiting crackers with bad teeth and terrible voices. It’s win-win-win: They get to ruin their lives on TV, the audience gets to feel superior, and I make $45 million a season. Thank you, America!

FWC: Do you feel the show will suffer now that resident drug addict and synapse impaired Paula Eggdul has left?

Fowl: I feel that viewers only suffered when they had to look at Posh Spice for two hours. She looked like a dehydrated stalk of celery with pubic hair. By the way, it’s witty insults like that that earned me $45 million a season. What a great country! Beats Australia, or wherever the hell I’m from.

FWC: Some critics contend that the winners and finalists of “America’s Idle” really haven’t made a significant impact on popular music.

Fowl: I have to disagree. Clay Aiken is second only to the Banana Splits in changing pop music forever, and Adam Lambert is the most exciting breakthrough since I last checked my bank statement. Do you have any idea how much interest one can make each month on $45 million? Excuse me while I light my vaporizer with a twenty.

FWC: I understand your next show, “The Egg Factor,” is almost exactly like “America’s Idle.”

Fowl: “The Egg Factor” will be a completely new format. This time, the contestants will be humiliated in different categories. Plus, I will make much more than $45 million a season. Ka-ching!

FWC: Yet, some of your other shows have been failures: “Cupid,” “American Inventor,” “Celebrity Duets”…

Fowl: It depends on your definition of “failure.” I prefer to think of them as visionary experiments that still earned me a shitload of money. Believe me, those V-neck tee shirts are not cheap. But it’s a good look, don’t you think?

FWC: Finally, on a serious note, what are your feelings about the tragic situation in Haiti right now?

Fowl: I recommend that the people of Haiti do two things. First, change the name of your country, and please try to leave the word “hate” out of it this time. It’s not doing you any favors.

Secondly, the Haitians may be fine people, but they shouldn’t be pursuing singing as a career. I spotted one young woman on the telly last night wailing among the rocks and debris that used to be her home, and I must be honest, she was a little pitchy. Fortunately, I will never be in that situation, because I make $45 million a season. Good night, America!

Sunday, January 10, 2010


“Hi, Mom? I have some big news for you. I’ve finally decided what I want to do with my life. I want to be an astronaut.”

--“An astronaut, tahkeh? What, there’s not enough room on this planet? It’s not good enough for my little pisher?”

“Mom, I’ve really given a lot of thought to this.”

--“Oh, so you’ve given a lot of thought to this, have you? You have to go galavanting around on some other planet like some meshugeneh?”

“You don’t understand, Mom, the universe is so vast…”

--“Listen, tatteleh. I’ve seen space and let me tell you, it’s no big megillah. It’s gornisht!”

“But who knows what’s waiting for us out there?”

--“Whoever they are, they’re probably a bunch of anti-semites.”

“I really feel that this is my destiny, Mom.”

--“So let me get this straight. You can’t make time to call your Aunt Louise, but you can find the time to go in space and make in your pants? Feh!”

“Hmm. I never thought about the defecation part…”

--“You know what, abi gezunt! That’s why you have a mother, to remind you about what’s important. Now go call your aunt. I have to go now; the ‘Wheel’ is on and a nice Jewish boy has won three times in a row.”


Note: These work best if you yell while standing up at the table and then storming out the door.

• Breaking up with a woman:
“I told you: I don’t date hermaphrodites!”
“I’m sorry, I just can’t be with someone who has a crush on Sean Hannity!”

•Breaking up with a goth girl:
“No, I will not go to the Taylor Swift concert with you!”
"You're on Team Edward? How about Team Eat Me?!"

•Breaking up with a dog:
“Yeah, well I least I don’t sniff my own feces!”
“Guess what: That bone I gave you last Christmas? Rubber!”
“Good luck on someday actually catching a squirrel!”

•Breaking up with a chicken:
“Just because you can only lay brown eggs, don’t get pissed at me!”
“Cluck off!”

Friday, January 1, 2010


WASHINGTON, January 1, 2010--As its first act of the new year, Congress has declared the English language officially dead.

The action was taken after viewing a performance by the Black-Eyed Peas during last night’s televised New Year’s Eve celebration.

Performing their schmega-hit, “Boom Boom Pow,” during ABC’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve telecast, the Peas’ performance capped an entire year of songs by various performers who systematically killed the English language throughout 2009.

“We don’t want to single out the Black-Eyed Peas, who seem like a wonderful group of illiterate capitalists,” said Congressman Morty Cluckinbeak (R-Zacky Farms). “This was simply the last straw after monitoring recordings by several top-selling artists of 2009.”

Cluckinbeak, who closely listened to several songs on his “magical phonograph machine,” was able to convince his fellow congressmen after reciting the lyrics to “Boom Boom Pow.”

“Please note that these were grown men singing, and they actually looked a little bored and embarrassed,” Cluckinbeak noted. “There is also a female singer named Fergie, and I believe the royal family should be quite ashamed.”

Cluckinbeak went on to recite the words of the chorus:

“Boom boom pow, got to get
Boom boom pow, got to get
Boom boom pow, got to get
Boom boom pow, got to get
Boom boom pow, now
Boom boom pow, now
Boom boom pow
Boom boom”

“My fellow congressmen, need I go further?” Clucksberg intoned. “Keep in mind that this moronic chorus is repeated exactly fifty times. If you do, however, require further proof that the English language is indeed dead, let me now address the verses of this aural abomination.”

The congressman then recited two verses of “Boom Boom Pow, thusly:

“I’m a beast when you turn me on
Into the future Cybertron
Harder, faster, better, stronger
Sexy ladies extra longer

Cause we got the beat that bounce
We got the beat that pound
We got the beat that 808
That the boom, boom in your town”

Realizing that this song, and many others that sound identical, sold millions of copies in 2009, the entire Congress went on record to state that the English language was officially dead, and further decreed that today’s music lacks imagination, depth, emotion, melody, decent lyrics, and is indeed “fucking awful.”


10. Eennng
9. Eiiiign
8. Aayyyght
7. Hevvvvnn
6. Ixxxxgnx
5. Twelve
4. Orrrgn
3. Mpplxxtyneeh
2. Rama lama ding dong
1. Uuggghhhh