ONLINE SHORTHAND FOR THOSE OF THE JEWISH PERSUASION

OMG=Oh My Goy

LOL=Lox on Latkes

WTF=Who’s The Faigeleh?

WTK=Where’s The Kasha?

IMHO=In My Hebrew Opinion

ROTFL=Rye On Toast Filled with Lox

LMAO=Lox on Matzo And Onions

IDK=I’m Davening over your Kugel

SAZ=Such A Zetz

IGSN=I’ve Got Such Naches

MT=Mazel Tov

MTPPP=Mazel Tov Poi Poi Poi

And of course…

TKCFTHG=The Kindala Can’t Find The Hanukah Gelt

BUSH & OPRAH: THE UNAIRED TRANSCRIPT

Oprah: Some of you may be familiar with our guest today. He was the President of the United States who will be fondly remembered for dismantling the previous eight years of American prosperity. Please welcome former President George W. Bush!

(A smattering of polite applause from robotic housewives.)

Bush: Thank you, Okra.

Oprah: Now, I understand you have a new book out, Mr. President, entitled, “Decision Points,” but that was not the original title.

Bush: That’s correct. I wanted to call the book, “I’m The Decider Because I’m The One Who Decided,” and the publisher said he loved it, but that it just wouldn’t fit on the cover. I looked into his eyes and saw his heart, along with a couple of other organs, and concluded that he was being honest with me, so we went with “Decision Points.”


Oprah: I pretended to read your book for the purposes of this interview. Could you discuss one of your earliest childhood memories that helped forge your warped view of the world?

Bush: Well, I’ll never forget the day when my mother—

Oprah: That’s the scary one who looks like a man, right, Mr. President?

Bush: Yes, that’s right. She is one feisty lady. I’ll never forget the time she showed me a jar containing her miscarried fetus. I believe I named it "Fetus."

Oprah: And was that an “aha moment” for you?

Bush: Absolutely. It was then that I decided—because I am the Decider, after all—that I would do everything in my power to prevent all women from having abortions so that I would never again accidentally see a fetus in a jar.

Oprah: Mr. President, while my make-up crew was shellacking my face for five hours before we went on the air, I overheard one of them say that you never foresaw the impeding financial meltdown.

Bush: That is true, Oatmeal. But on the other hand, I am proud to say that during my presidency, I had some extraordinary vacations and became an authority on the Craftsman 42cc 18" Gas Chain Saw. Let me tell you, that’s a fine American product.

Oprah: Last night I was laying on the bed in my pajamas and eating some cashews, which I still feel guilty about, and I overheard one of my Filipino concubines mention that you flew over Louisiana in Air Force One instead of landing to see first-hand the devastation left by Hurricane Katrina.

Bush: Yes, that did not look good, I admit. But you must understand, Upchuck, there were a lot of really angry black people down there, and they were especially pissed off at me. But on the other hand, one of my staff members recently told me that our current President is black, and I think that’s fantastic.



Oprah: I hear you, girlfriend! Woooo! Now, I was speaking to Maya Angelou and Deepak Chopra earlier today, and Deepak mentioned that you said one of the lowest points of your presidency was when Kanye West said that you don’t like black people.

Bush: Well, your friend Deepdish is correct, because, unlike most people in Texas, I am not a racist. In fact, I have been shit-faced drunk with the blacks many times.

Oprah: But Mr. President, wouldn’t you agree that a lower point would be the fact that many American soldiers lost their lives in a war that we had no business starting? A war that was justified based on faulty, cherry-picked intelligence, and which has cost America billions of dollars?

Bush: All I can say is that racist remark really hurt my feelings, and since I am the Decider, that was the low point.

Oprah: Thank you for joining us, Mr. President, and I think I speak for everybody when I say thank God you can’t run for a third term and completely fuck us over.

Bush: Thank you for those kind words, Opie.

DON'T EAT THIS OR THAT!

Here is the definitive list of foods with names featuring two words that should never go together, and that you should therefore never eat.

They also make great pet names for your spouse, lover, or otherwise significant other-person.

Eggplant
(I’m not technically a botanist, but I still don’t think eggs come from plants.)

Carrot Cake
(Why would I want something healthy ruining a perfectly good piece of cake?)

Cheese Cake
(Cheese on a sandwich? Sounds delicious. On my pizza? Bring it! In a cake? I don’t think so.)

Steak Tartar
(Isn’t tartar that stuff the dentist scrapes off your teeth? Hey, let’s put some on our ribeye!)

Butt Roast
(Just think of your butt, and all that entails, and then eat it.)

Butt Roast, Bone In
(No comment.)

Chicken Nuggets
(Nugget-anything is never a good sign.)

Chicken Tenders
(How did they get that tender? I don’t want to know. Good stripper name, though.)

Meat Loaf
(Sounds too casual.)

Meat Balls
(Yeah, let’s grind up this dead flesh and form it into balls!)

Melon Balls
(If I were a melon, I’d object to being forced into this unnatural shape.)

Baby Back Ribs
(Jeffrey Dahmer’s favorite meal.)

Tater Tots
(See above.)

Chocolate Mousse
(Don’t people put mousse in their hair?)

NEVER LET MY MOTHER MAKE YOU A SANDWICH

Are you hungry, tatela? I can make you a sandwich.

OK, sure.

What would you like? I have salami, ham, and turkey.

Turkey would be fine.

Or if you want, you can have all three together.

No, just turkey is OK.

Or I can put two together. You can have just salami and turkey, or salami and ham, or ham and turkey if you like.

Nah, turkey alone is fine.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

OK. Let’s see. I have oven roasted turkey and low sodium turkey. Which would you like?

Just regular oven roasted turkey is fine.

What kind of bread would you like?

What do you have?

I think I only have wheat bread.

Well, then I guess I’ll have wheat.

I did have some rye bread, but I think your brother ate it all.

It’s all right, we can go with the wheat.

I might have a bagel in the freezer. Do you want me to look?

No, wheat bread is fine.

It’s really no trouble.

No, wheat will be fine.

OK, suit yourself. Do you want anything on it? I have mustard and mayonnaise.

I’ll take some mustard.

I have Grey Poupon and French’s.

French’s is good.

Are you sure? The Grey Poupon is very good.

No thanks, I just like boring old yellow mustard.

Suit yourself, tateleh. But it would be nice if you tried something different once in a while. That was the problem I had with all you kids growing up. That’s why it was impossible to feed you.

Yeah, I know.

Do you want a lot of mustard, or just a little?

Just a little, spread evenly, would be great.

You got it. You said you wanted turkey, right?

Right.

Would you like some cheese?

Sure.

What kind of cheese would you like?

Well, what do you have?

I have Swiss, American, and Cheddar.

I’ll have American.

You want American cheese on a turkey sandwich? Feh! Are you sure?

Yeah, I’m sure.

OK, it’s your sandwich. American it is. How many slices would you like?

Two is good.

OK, two. Do you want the cheese first, or the turkey first?

Surprise me.

Well, you need to tell me, because I prefer the turkey first but you may not like it that way.

Turkey first is fine.

OK, how many slices of turkey did you want?

I dunno. Three, I guess.

OK. Wheat bread, three slices of turkey, two slices of American—you’re sure you want American cheese?

Yes.

All right. Would you like some lettuce?

That would be great.

I also have some feckockteh alfalfa sprouts that your crazy sister left here.

No thanks. Lettuce is good.

OK, there we are. Would you like the crusts cut off? You always liked the crusts cut off when you were a little boy.

Mom, I’m 54.

Oy, don’t remind me. So, leave the crusts on?

Yes, please.

All right. Would you like me to cut it?

Yeah.

Would you like it cut in diagonally, or just in half?

Cut in half is fine.

OK, here you go, tateleh. Would you like something to drink, or some chips with that?

(Since the headline of this post mentioned only the sandwich, I will spare you the complexities of getting chips and a drink, but I think you can guess what happened.)

"GUESS THAT SMELL!"

Yes, folks, it’s time once again to play America’s favorite game show, “GUESS THAT SMELL!”

We come to you this week from the bedroom of Jerry K. Junior, a typical 12-year-old boy. There has been a rather troubling odor suffocating visitors and permeating his room for about two days. The cause of this odor remains a mystery. However, our panel of experts has narrowed the source down to two possibilities.

And that brings us to our two contestants. Let’s meet CONTESTANT #1:


Name: Skittles
Species: Hamster
Country of Origin: Hamsterville, USA
Turn-ons: Running pointlessly on a wheel, jamming food in his cheeks, burrowing.
Evidence: Skittles is three years old, which for a hamster means the great guinea pig in the sky has a HabitTrail reserved just for him. Lately, he has been listless, constipated, and distant. But…does he smell?

Or perhaps the pungent perfume is coming from CONTESTANT #2:


Name: Molly
Alias: Princess Paws
Species: Golden Retriever
Turn-ons: Eating, pooping, eating poop.
Evidence: Being a teenager in dog years, lately Molly has been almost as annoying as “The View." She is also pissed off at Jerry K. Junior, who relentlessly taunts her and photographs her in humiliating poses. But…does she smell?

Log in your answers now. We will return after a word from our only sponsor, Febreeze.

Welcome back. And this week’s smell was coming from:


MOLLY!

That’s right. To get back at her owner’s ridicule, Molly left a poop pretzel on the bedroom floor. Once Jerry K. Junior realized that dog doody is actually quite larger than hamster doody, the answer was obvious.

Tune in next week when we ask you to GUESS THAT SMELL!—dirty gym clothes, or last week’s uneaten turkey sandwich still sitting in a school backpack?

Until then, stay stinky!

MUSIC IS DEAD ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

Here’s just a partial list of rock musicians who appeared during the golden age of Saturday Night Live: Eric Clapton, David Bowie, Elvis Costello, Tom Petty, Jerry Garcia.

That's a pretty impressive list.

But that was then and this is now, so let’s take a look at which musicians have performed on the first three SNL shows of 2010: Katy Perry, Kanye West, and Bruno Mars.

Now that’s some cutting-edge stuff, wouldn’t you say?

Let’s begin with Katy Perry. Now this is not rock music by any stretch of the imagination, but that’s OK, because there’s always room for a little pop music.



But here’s the weird thing that is just bugging the crap out of me: She appears on SNL, which is such a quintessentially New York show. Everything about the show just oozes New York—the opening credits, the house band, the attitude. Even the musicians’ stage on SNL is a mini-version of Grand Central Station.

So, what does Katy sing? Her massive annoying hit, “California Gurls.” It’s tolerable as a piece of studio-produced pop confection on the radio, but performed live it’s just shallow and embarrassing, and the song was exposed for the piece of innocuous fluff that it is. What’s more, if she had any integrity, she should send half the profits from this song to Brian Wilson for ripping off his title.



But if it’s not bad enough that she’s singing such an mediocre song on SNL, at the end of the song, while she’s repeating, “California/California Gurls,” she finishes by yelling out “West Coast!” and triumphantly holding her fingers like a “W.”

Now why would she do that in front of a New York audience? Is she really so clueless that she expects that audience to enthusiastically cheer a shout-out to California? I don’t get it.



The next episode of SNL featured Kanye West. For his number, the stage was transformed into an all-white background with a bunch of attractive ladies vacantly swirling around him.

I would comment on his lyrics, except for the fact that I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE HELL HE WAS SAYING. That’s right, “saying,” because Kanye doesn’t really sing, he just kind of talks.

Just last week, SNL featured Bruno Mars. He performed his (pop) hit, “Grenade.” Now take a look at these lyrics:

I’d take a grenade for ya,
Put my head on a blade for ya,
Jump in front of a train for ya,
I would die for ya,
But you won’t do the same.

So here’s my question: DO YOU KNOW ANY GUY WHO THINKS LIKE THAT? Am I missing something here, or should Bruno call a suicide hotline pronto? And I love the fact that the girl won’t do the same for him. She’s no idiot.



The funny part is that he seems so disappointed and hurt that the girl won’t take a grenade for him. By the way, where is Bruno getting these grenades? Oh, I guess it rhymes with blade and train, so that makes sense.

He was also sporting a bright blue suit and a skinny black tie. That’s the same thing I wore to my sixth grade graduation in 1967. As I watched this performance, I thought, “Hey, that’s my suit! I thought they burned all of those!”

…Not to digress or anything, but while we’re on the subject, here’s another song that drives me crazy: “Billionaire” by Travie McCoy. Here are some (annotated) lyrics for your enjoyment:

I want to be a billionaire,
So freakin’ bad…

(Um, who doesn’t?)

Every time I close my eyes,
I see my name in flashing lights,
A different city every night.

(Every night? That sounds like a real pain in the ass.)

I want to be on the cover of
Forbes magazine,
Hanging out with Oprah and the Queen.

(And what are you and Oprah going to talk about, exactly? Dieting? Her love of Maya Angelou?)

Well, this is what happens when you become an old fart and are forced to listen to Top 40 radio with your 12-year-old son.

Back to SNL: They have aired only three shows so far this year, so all hope is not lost. But once they book Justin Bieber, I’m outta here.

AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH YOKO ONO

The world’s most famous widow, Yoko Ono, recently met with us in our Fun With Chickens penthouse offices, and sat down for a rare, and shockingly honest, interview
.
The failed artist appeared in concert the night before with the latest edition of her Plastic Bozo Band.

This time around, the band’s headliners included the attention-starved Lady GagMe, along with Perry Farrell, who once led a band that never had a hit and that no one remembers.

Rounding out the group were Sean Lennon and Harper Simon, two talentless musicians who are only allowed to stand on stage because they have famous songwriter fathers.

Fun With Chickens: Yoko, thank you for taking the time to speak with us.

Yoko: Well, John was a big fan of your blog, so he would have wanted this.

FWC: I see. I first wanted to ask what your name means in your native language.

Yoko: My name translates as “Screeching Harpy” in Japanese, but in Tagalong it means “Gold digger.”

FWC: Yoko, is it true that you did not know who John Lennon was when you first met him?

Yoko: That is true, I had never heard of the Beatles at that time.

FWC: I find that very difficult to believe, considering they were world famous. Tell me, do you recognize any of these people? (We held up photos of Abraham Lincoln, John F. Kennedy, and Adolph Hitler.)

Yoko: No. They are not the Three Stooges that John loved so much, are they?

FWC: Wow. I really find your inability to identify people who had such a worldwide impact quite perplexing. Let me show you just one more picture. (We held up a portrait of Jesus Christ.)

Yoko: No, I am sorry. Would he happen to be a rich, famous musician who travels without security, and can be easily approached by a deranged stalker who has three names? Because if he is, I would love to meet him. I am down to my last $50 million of John’s money, and I know Sean won’t make jackshit with his crappy albums.

FWC: Well, I certainly am surprised by your honesty.

Yoko: But you see, Fun With Chickens, art is all about truth.

FWC: So Yoko, what are your plans for the future? Do you hope to break up any other famous bands and further deprive the world of some amazing music?

Yoko: Once you have broken up The Beatles, there is really nowhere else to go. You see, John would have been 70 years old this year if he had lived, and so to celebrate the spirit of John’s life, and to honor his contribution to society, I hope to profit off the reissues of every solo album he recorded. They are currently available at your local Wal-Mart and Best Buy stores.

FWC: Unfortunately, Yoko, we do not allow any plugs on Fun With Chickens. But we do appreciate your stopping by and chatting with us.

Yoko: Thank you. By the way, Paul died many years before John, and—for the record--I would just like people to know that I had barely anything to do with his death. Or George’s. Or Ringo’s.

FWC: Thank you for clearing that up. Yoko, because you are so artistic and mystical and wise, is there any message you would like to leave with us?

Yoko: I just want to spread love and peace to chickens all over the world, because if chickens can come together as one, there is nothing we humanoids cannot accomplish. And if you call our toll-free number, 1-800-YOKO-BLOWS, you can order a boxed set of all of John’s solo records and I will personally stamp my autograph on each box with special ink from the blood of angels. The cost is only $599, and I know John would have wanted it that way.