NEVER LET MY MOTHER MAKE YOU A SANDWICH

Are you hungry, tatela? I can make you a sandwich.

OK, sure.

What would you like? I have salami, ham, and turkey.

Turkey would be fine.

Or if you want, you can have all three together.

No, just turkey is OK.

Or I can put two together. You can have just salami and turkey, or salami and ham, or ham and turkey if you like.

Nah, turkey alone is fine.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

OK. Let’s see. I have oven roasted turkey and low sodium turkey. Which would you like?

Just regular oven roasted turkey is fine.

What kind of bread would you like?

What do you have?

I think I only have wheat bread.

Well, then I guess I’ll have wheat.

I did have some rye bread, but I think your brother ate it all.

It’s all right, we can go with the wheat.

I might have a bagel in the freezer. Do you want me to look?

No, wheat bread is fine.

It’s really no trouble.

No, wheat will be fine.

OK, suit yourself. Do you want anything on it? I have mustard and mayonnaise.

I’ll take some mustard.

I have Grey Poupon and French’s.

French’s is good.

Are you sure? The Grey Poupon is very good.

No thanks, I just like boring old yellow mustard.

Suit yourself, tateleh. But it would be nice if you tried something different once in a while. That was the problem I had with all you kids growing up. That’s why it was impossible to feed you.

Yeah, I know.

Do you want a lot of mustard, or just a little?

Just a little, spread evenly, would be great.

You got it. You said you wanted turkey, right?

Right.

Would you like some cheese?

Sure.

What kind of cheese would you like?

Well, what do you have?

I have Swiss, American, and Cheddar.

I’ll have American.

You want American cheese on a turkey sandwich? Feh! Are you sure?

Yeah, I’m sure.

OK, it’s your sandwich. American it is. How many slices would you like?

Two is good.

OK, two. Do you want the cheese first, or the turkey first?

Surprise me.

Well, you need to tell me, because I prefer the turkey first but you may not like it that way.

Turkey first is fine.

OK, how many slices of turkey did you want?

I dunno. Three, I guess.

OK. Wheat bread, three slices of turkey, two slices of American—you’re sure you want American cheese?

Yes.

All right. Would you like some lettuce?

That would be great.

I also have some feckockteh alfalfa sprouts that your crazy sister left here.

No thanks. Lettuce is good.

OK, there we are. Would you like the crusts cut off? You always liked the crusts cut off when you were a little boy.

Mom, I’m 54.

Oy, don’t remind me. So, leave the crusts on?

Yes, please.

All right. Would you like me to cut it?

Yeah.

Would you like it cut in diagonally, or just in half?

Cut in half is fine.

OK, here you go, tateleh. Would you like something to drink, or some chips with that?

(Since the headline of this post mentioned only the sandwich, I will spare you the complexities of getting chips and a drink, but I think you can guess what happened.)