Thursday, May 7, 2009


Today was my follow-up visit, two weeks after my first colonoscopy. The results are in: I had five polyps. One was quite large, another was medium-size, and the last three were small.

I have decided, with the guidance of my life coach Moishe, to call the big one Smegma, the medium one Yonkel, and the three little ones the Jonas Brothers.

The two large polyps showed “a tendency to develop cancer,” according to the doctor, while the other three were as harmless as an Owen Wilson movie.

But because of those two big suckers, I need to return in one year to have another colonoscopy. (I can only pray it will be as delightful as the first one!) That doesn’t mean I’ll need to have the procedure every year, but only that it is precautionary. Most people over 50 only need to have one every five years. I think I hate those people.

Bottom line (pun intended): It looks like I dodged a bullet, and that people the world over can rest assured they will continue to receive more much-needed chicken-related humor.

Oh yeah, and I almost forgot to tell you that I saw Jesus. He appeared to me as the doctor’s news echoed in my head.

He floated before me, and in each outstretched hand he held my two largest polyps. He was much shorter than in his pictures.

He said softly (and, surprisingly, in a heavy Yiddish accent): “Jerry K, my son, I have spared your life this time. But now you must go forward and tell my flock about the importance of having a camera shoved up one’s tuches.”

He finished by saying, “It is your duty,” and I could swear I heard him laughing at his own joke.

And then I realized something: I bet Jesus has a difficult time finding an audience for his jokes. For all we know, he may be quite the jocular fellow, but it’s not like he has the chance to hang around and banter with his co-workers or friends. He probably feels pressured to be philosophical and serious all the time, like he’s a 20-year-old Comparative Literature major or something.

And here I was feeling bummed out that I have to have another colonoscopy so soon, when in reality, it’s better than being Jesus.


  1. Hi, nice to meet you. I was told by Jewels to visit you, I am. I'm sorry to read that you have company in the form of polyps. Although I thoroughly enjoyed your post. Laughed out loud a couple of times. Hope that Smegma and Yonkel will behave themselves and not turn into something nasty.

    You are a worthy recipient of the Zombie Chicken Award.


  2. Thank you so much, Carolina. I forgot to mention that the hospital also sells photos of one's polyps and puts them on delightful little keychains. Better than balloons for the kids!

  3. I'm sure Owen Wilson and the Jonas Brothers would be pleased that they were likened only to the non-cancerous colon polyps.

    If you can turn that experience into a hilarious blog post, then there is nothing you can't do ;)

  4. Hey Chicken-guy (isn't that a Rooster?)....
    This was the best so far........really enjoyed it! Just too bad you're not a genuine chicken cuz your experiences laying an egg (or a rooster), I'm certain, would be equally hilarious!

  5. Leave it to medical science to document that the Jonas Brothers are a pain in the ass. (I know, lame, but you're pitching underhand.)

  6. Quite funny...keep up the good's your doody!

  7. Hey all: Your comments are great! Thanks for stopping by, and keep 'em coming.

  8. I will always think of you when I think of asshole Thursday. Just think about it though, you're now a perfect a....well, you get the point.