AN INTERVIEW WITH “AMERICA’S IDLE” HOST SIMON FOWL

Fun With Chickens recently sat down for tea and cynicism with Simon Fowl, host of the hit amateur reality unscripted karaoke show, “America’s Idle.”

Fowl stopped by the Fun With Chickens mega-studio/mini-mall/dumpster to discuss the upcoming debut of his identical new show, “The Egg Factor,” and to make us feel inadequate about our own income.

Fun With Chickens: The current season of “America’s Idle” began, as always, with a series of auditions. Don’t you feel that you are just humiliating illiterate inbred Southerners and clueless others who have no talent?

Simon Fowl: Absolutely not. We are simply exploiting crackers with bad teeth and terrible voices. It’s win-win-win: They get to ruin their lives on TV, the audience gets to feel superior, and I make $45 million a season. Thank you, America!

FWC: Do you feel the show will suffer now that resident drug addict and synapse impaired Paula Eggdul has left?

Fowl: I feel that viewers only suffered when they had to look at Posh Spice for two hours. She looked like a dehydrated stalk of celery with pubic hair. By the way, it’s witty insults like that that earned me $45 million a season. What a great country! Beats Australia, or wherever the hell I’m from.

FWC: Some critics contend that the winners and finalists of “America’s Idle” really haven’t made a significant impact on popular music.

Fowl: I have to disagree. Clay Aiken is second only to the Banana Splits in changing pop music forever, and Adam Lambert is the most exciting breakthrough since I last checked my bank statement. Do you have any idea how much interest one can make each month on $45 million? Excuse me while I light my vaporizer with a twenty.

FWC: I understand your next show, “The Egg Factor,” is almost exactly like “America’s Idle.”

Fowl: “The Egg Factor” will be a completely new format. This time, the contestants will be humiliated in different categories. Plus, I will make much more than $45 million a season. Ka-ching!

FWC: Yet, some of your other shows have been failures: “Cupid,” “American Inventor,” “Celebrity Duets”…

Fowl: It depends on your definition of “failure.” I prefer to think of them as visionary experiments that still earned me a shitload of money. Believe me, those V-neck tee shirts are not cheap. But it’s a good look, don’t you think?

FWC: Finally, on a serious note, what are your feelings about the tragic situation in Haiti right now?

Fowl: I recommend that the people of Haiti do two things. First, change the name of your country, and please try to leave the word “hate” out of it this time. It’s not doing you any favors.

Secondly, the Haitians may be fine people, but they shouldn’t be pursuing singing as a career. I spotted one young woman on the telly last night wailing among the rocks and debris that used to be her home, and I must be honest, she was a little pitchy. Fortunately, I will never be in that situation, because I make $45 million a season. Good night, America!

WHY THERE WILL NEVER BE A JEWISH ASTRONAUT

“Hi, Mom? I have some big news for you. I’ve finally decided what I want to do with my life. I want to be an astronaut.”

--“An astronaut, tahkeh? What, there’s not enough room on this planet? It’s not good enough for my little pisher?”

“Mom, I’ve really given a lot of thought to this.”

--“Oh, so you’ve given a lot of thought to this, have you? You have to go galavanting around on some other planet like some meshugeneh?”

“You don’t understand, Mom, the universe is so vast…”

--“Listen, tatteleh. I’ve seen space and let me tell you, it’s no big megillah. It’s gornisht!”

“But who knows what’s waiting for us out there?”

--“Whoever they are, they’re probably a bunch of anti-semites.”

“I really feel that this is my destiny, Mom.”

--“So let me get this straight. You can’t make time to call your Aunt Louise, but you can find the time to go in space and make in your pants? Feh!”

“Hmm. I never thought about the defecation part…”

--“You know what, abi gezunt! That’s why you have a mother, to remind you about what’s important. Now go call your aunt. I have to go now; the ‘Wheel’ is on and a nice Jewish boy has won three times in a row.”

WHAT TO YELL IN A CROWDED RESTAURANT IF SOMEONE IS TRYING TO BREAK UP WITH YOU

Note: These work best if you yell while standing up at the table and then storming out the door.

• Breaking up with a woman:
“I told you: I don’t date hermaphrodites!”
“I’m sorry, I just can’t be with someone who has a crush on Sean Hannity!”

•Breaking up with a goth girl:
“No, I will not go to the Taylor Swift concert with you!”
"You're on Team Edward? How about Team Eat Me?!"

•Breaking up with a dog:
“Yeah, well I least I don’t sniff my own feces!”
“Guess what: That bone I gave you last Christmas? Rubber!”
“Good luck on someday actually catching a squirrel!”

•Breaking up with a chicken:
“Just because you can only lay brown eggs, don’t get pissed at me!”
“Cluck off!”

CONGRESS DECLARES DEATH OF ENGLISH LANGUAGE AFTER BLACK-EYED PEAS NEW YEAR’S EVE PERFORMANCE

WASHINGTON, January 1, 2010--As its first act of the new year, Congress has declared the English language officially dead.

The action was taken after viewing a performance by the Black-Eyed Peas during last night’s televised New Year’s Eve celebration.

Performing their schmega-hit, “Boom Boom Pow,” during ABC’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve telecast, the Peas’ performance capped an entire year of songs by various performers who systematically killed the English language throughout 2009.

“We don’t want to single out the Black-Eyed Peas, who seem like a wonderful group of illiterate capitalists,” said Congressman Morty Cluckinbeak (R-Zacky Farms). “This was simply the last straw after monitoring recordings by several top-selling artists of 2009.”

Cluckinbeak, who closely listened to several songs on his “magical phonograph machine,” was able to convince his fellow congressmen after reciting the lyrics to “Boom Boom Pow.”

“Please note that these were grown men singing, and they actually looked a little bored and embarrassed,” Cluckinbeak noted. “There is also a female singer named Fergie, and I believe the royal family should be quite ashamed.”

Cluckinbeak went on to recite the words of the chorus:

“Boom boom pow, got to get
Boom boom pow, got to get
Boom boom pow, got to get
Boom boom pow, got to get
Boom boom pow, now
Boom boom pow, now
Boom boom pow
Boom boom”

“My fellow congressmen, need I go further?” Clucksberg intoned. “Keep in mind that this moronic chorus is repeated exactly fifty times. If you do, however, require further proof that the English language is indeed dead, let me now address the verses of this aural abomination.”

The congressman then recited two verses of “Boom Boom Pow, thusly:

“I’m a beast when you turn me on
Into the future Cybertron
Harder, faster, better, stronger
Sexy ladies extra longer

Cause we got the beat that bounce
We got the beat that pound
We got the beat that 808
That the boom, boom in your town”

Realizing that this song, and many others that sound identical, sold millions of copies in 2009, the entire Congress went on record to state that the English language was officially dead, and further decreed that today’s music lacks imagination, depth, emotion, melody, decent lyrics, and is indeed “fucking awful.”

DICK CLARK’S 2010 ROCKIN’ NEW YEARS EVE COUNTDOWN

10. Eennng
9. Eiiiign
8. Aayyyght
7. Hevvvvnn
6. Ixxxxgnx
5. Twelve
4. Orrrgn
3. Mpplxxtyneeh
2. Rama lama ding dong
1. Uuggghhhh

THINGS I HOPE TO FIGURE OUT IN 2010

• Why do people wear face masks while using leaf blowers? The leaves and dirt are being blown away from them, and toward us as we walk by. We should be the ones wearing face masks.

• Why are receptionists at massage parlors always so tense? Shouldn’t they be mellow and relaxed in order to show how great their service is?

• Why would anyone rob a 99-Cents Only store? How much money could the register possibly have? Even if the store had a good day and sold 500 items, that would only be $500. Crack must be really good.

• Will this be the year when people will finally stop using the expressions, “Oh…my…god,” and “Hell-O!” and “I’m baaack!”?

PRESIDENTIAL STATE DINNER 2044

Security problems continued to plague the White House staff during last week’s annual state dinner.

President Trig Palin and First Lady Suri Cruise were surprised when Levi Johnston, Jr., arrived unexpectedly as part of a reality show stunt. This led to the immediate outlawing of all reality shows by President Palin’s Department of Total Lameness.

Despite this minor setback, this year’s presidential dinner was considered a success.

The dinner’s theme was “Pretty Colors,” and the menu featured snickerdoodles, nutella, gum and Lunchables.

The guest of honor was retired Secretary of State Dakota Fanning. She introduced the evening’s entertainment, the cast of “Yo Gabba Gabba,” who were later awarded the Medal of Honor and the Ashton Kutcher Memorial Humor Prize.

The evening reached orgasm when a speech was given by the cryogenically frozen disembodied head of Dick Cheney, former vice president and current Fox News Network commentator.