Tuesday, September 28, 2010


• In a new study released by the Phew Research Group, a majority of scientists have determined that, as a result of consuming genetically altered food and being submitted to X-ray airport security scanners, by the year 2050 seventy percent of the population will have doody that glows in the dark.

• You can tell when a three-day weekend is coming: All the gentiles are hosing off their RVs.

• Approximately one-half of all radio commercials begin with the phrase, “Did you know…” (Example: “Did you know that you can pay as little as ten dollars a month for your chicken insurance?”)

• If you are ever in a meeting and placed in a small group, given a giant Post-It notepad and a marker, and asked to brainstorm and then either "share out" or do a "gallery walk," you should immediately excuse yourself to the restroom, leave the country, and never return. You will be better off in the long run.

• The general population is just now realizing that most plastic surgeons suffer from an abnormal sexual attraction to ducks. When asked to comment on this, comedian Joan Rivers replied, "Quack?"

"Real Housewives of New Jersey" faux celebrity and fellow duck lookalike Danielle Staub was so startled by this news that her eyebrows became permanently, and disturbingly, arched. Observe:

Now there's an attractive, natural look. It looks like she's gonna swoop down and peck you to death any minute.

But on an optimistic side note, while the plastic surgeons charged thousands of dollars to distort the faces of these and many other male and female celebrities, their ill-gotten incomes trickle down to the poor people in society, enabling them to purchase iPods, Auto Sucks, and other entertaining electronic devices while blissfully forgetting that they are still economically screwed. And then everybody was happy again.

So let's give a big Fun With Chickens thank-you cluck to all those plastic surgeons who prey on the insecurity of people and have no aesthetic sensibilities at all. All together now: "Paycock!"

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