Sunday, August 2, 2009
BEWARE THE TURTLE!
People say there are no adventures in suburbia. That they are sterile, overly planned, anally retentive communities divorced from the excitement of a big city, the natural wonders of a rural setting, or the cozy cement comforts of a mental institution.
Well as a suburb dweller, I am here to tell you that suburbia can be the best of all these worlds.
Why, just today, the so-called predictable suburbs threw us a curve ball when the lovely and angelic Mrs. Jerry K discovered a turtle—yes, a turtle--in our garage.
How did this mysterious, prehistoric creature get in the garage? Was he there to deliver a message to me? Was he a time traveler? Or did he just lose his way? Speak to me, turtle, I beg of thee!
After spending two hours questioning the turtle and receiving little more than a shrug in return, I realized this would be one tough shell to crack.
Soon, I was faced with a predicament that we all face at some point in our lives: What do you do if you find a turtle in your garage?
Drawing upon my vast knowledge of Turtology, I sprang into action. First, I needed some sort of device to pick the turtle up. My forklift was in the repair shop, so I resorted to my bright yellow Playtex gloves.
Now, some of you may be wondering why I just didn’t pick him up with my bare hands.
I laugh at your ignorance. And at your funny hat.
If you knew anything about turtles, you would realize that these exotic marsupials secrete numerous poisons to which there are no antidotes, despite the continuous efforts of our finest scientists and yearly telethons.
In addition, you may have seen the Japanese documentary know as “Gamera,” in which it is proven that a turtle can recede into his shell and then shoot flames out of his opening, launching himself into outer space. No way I’m gonna risk that; hence, the protective Playtex gloves.
Just as I was ready to call 911, Homeland Security, and Appleby’s, I discovered that turtle X actually belonged to the next-door neighbors.
Amazingly, said neighbor picked up her turtle with her bare hands, and returned it to her backyard.
Oh well, it’s her funeral.