WHY GUYS SHOULDN’T LOOK AT OTHER GUYS’ FEET

I rarely ever notice what shoes someone is wearing, except when I’m interested in buying shoes for myself.

Since I recently decided that I didn’t want to wear only sneakers while I’m wearing shorts, I thought I’d look at some alternative casual footwear.

Along with shopping for shoes where I buy all my clothes (Pep Boys) I also found myself constantly looking at what shoes guys are wearing along with their shorts.

I know that’s a weird thing to do, but take comfort in the fact that I have been mentally castigating myself every time I catch myself doing this.

The logic was, of course, that if I saw something I liked, I would perhaps copy that look since I have absolutely no style of my own. I still dress the way I did in junior high, with flippers and a top hat.

My main conclusion from this extensive fieldwork is that most guys wear sandals with shorts. I do have a pair of decent sandals, but I don’t like wearing them for extended periods of time. And I certainly don’t understand how people can drive wearing sandals.

They are so floppy and flimsy, I’m concerned that my sandal would get caught on the gas pedal and I’d wind up mowing down some old folks at a farmers market. (Should I ever get charged with that, I’ll just say that my father molested me. Thanks, Casey!)

So, sandals are not an option. My choice in this was confirmed last weekend when I noticed a Starbucks patron wearing sandals. His feet were truly filthy. The bottom of his feet seemed clean enough, but the top of his feet looked like they were caked with dirt.

See, I said to myself, there’s another strike against wearing sandals. People can see how dirty your feet are.

But it was then that I noticed I was looking at the feet of an African-American.

Did I feel ashamed? Yes. Foolish? Yes. Like a racist? Yes.

Fucking sandals.

EVEN MORE THINGS WE CAN ALL AGREE ON (CAN’T WE?)

• If your nickname is “Giggles,” and you’re over 13 years old, something has gone terribly wrong.

• Whenever a character in a movie or TV show picks up a large box or sips from a paper cup, it always looks fake, like the box or the cup is just an empty prop.

• The interstitial music on NPR (the music between breaks) is consistently annoying.

• If you still believe in God or some sort of divine justice, consider this: Clarence Clemons is dead, and Phillip Garrido still lives.

• Why do people say, “Where are you at”? Do they really need to include the “at”?

• You know all those action movies in which the hero falls five stories, smashes through a wall, and then gets up with just a few grunts and a shake of the head? Exactly how much longer are we expected to suspend our disbelief?

• Can we at least all agree on good writing when we see it? When Don Draper asks Peggy Olson on “Mad Men” if she ever thinks about the baby she gave up for adoption, Peggy simply replies, “Playgrounds.”

• Whenever people say that they “built a house,” 90 percent of the time someone else did the actual building.

• On “The Biggest Loser,” morbidly obese people cry about having too much food to eat. Only in America.

• Half of the scenes in any Sundance film consist of the main character staring thoughtfully into space.

• Why do people say, “That’s too funny”? How exactly can something be too funny, like it’s dangerous or something?