LIFE’S TOO SHORT FOR THIS

As I begin to round the corner to my mid-50s, I find myself dwelling in the morose alleyways of my brain and reassessing how I am spending the dwindling years of my life. Namely, I need to be more selective about what I watch on TV.

For the past year, whenever I found myself comatose in front of the electronic teat, I asked myself, “What other, more constructive things could I be doing with whatever precious time I have left?”

Perhaps I could get involved in a humanitarian cause, write a great novel, read the classics, or maybe have a deep, meaningful conversation with the lovely Mrs. Jerry K. (OK, I’m just kidding about that last one, but you get the idea.)

After several minutes of soul-searching, I decided that instead of wasting precious prime-time hours watching TV, I am going to utilize my time much more wisely by writing about TV.

Specifically, here are the TV shows that I have stopped watching, and the reasons why.

• American Idol:
First of all, I’m convinced that the weirdos who audition at the beginning of each season are just doing it as a joke or a dare. Secondly, the singers are all atrocious in that they all use that same Mariah Carey-esque gimmicky vocal theatrics that are completely devoid of any real emotion or soul. Thirdly, I’ve learned that the audience members have to prove themselves in a humiliating mock-game-show audition before they are deemed loud and enthusiastic and idiotic enough to be allowed into the theater.

• V:
How can anyone take one look at Anna, the main alien leader and spokesperson, and not realize immediately that she is completely evil? But aside from that, NOTHING EVER HAPPENS.

• Jersey Shore:
At first, this was the ultimate guilty pleasure/train wreck that requires a shower after each episode. Like most reality shows, we watch so that we can feel superior, but now the joke’s on us, because these kids are all now richer than we will ever be. These jerk-offs ended up making us feel like suckers.

• Chuck:
When this show began, it was about a nerdy guy who is accidentally forced to become a secret agent. He would stumble about and pine after the hot blonde secret agent, and that was something the average schmo could identify with. Now, Chuck is a super-agent with a cool new haircut and he bangs that hot chick in every episode. Why should we care?

• Glee:
Look, I’m totally in favor of gay rights, I’ve worked with gay people all my life, and I believe there’s no reason they shouldn’t be allowed to marry and equally feel our pain. But this show is just way too gay for me. I mean, Hell-o! If I hear their version of “Don’t Stop Believin’” one more time, my head will explode. It’s a shitty song to begin with, and should only be played during the bottom of the ninth inning of a baseball game, if at all. This show is almost grating enough for me to become un-infatuated with Gwyneth Paltrow, who is the ultimate shiksha goddess ice princess and every Jewish guy’s fantasy. (I said almost.)

Other TV shows I’ve stopped watching because (a) each episode is basically the same, and, again (b) NOTHING EVER HAPPENS:
Top Chef
Burn Notice
Dangerous Housewives
The Biggest Loser

So, what will I keep watching?
Boardwalk Empire
True Blood
Weeds
Breaking Bad
The Walking Dead
Men of a Certain Age
Fringe (especially the third season)
The Daily Show and The Colbert Report (the best written comedy shows on TV)
Mad Men (the best written, best acted, best looking show on TV)

What say you, dear readers? What TV shows have you stopped watching, or will continue to watch?