THINGS I HOPE TO FIGURE OUT IN 2010

• Why do people wear face masks while using leaf blowers? The leaves and dirt are being blown away from them, and toward us as we walk by. We should be the ones wearing face masks.

• Why are receptionists at massage parlors always so tense? Shouldn’t they be mellow and relaxed in order to show how great their service is?

• Why would anyone rob a 99-Cents Only store? How much money could the register possibly have? Even if the store had a good day and sold 500 items, that would only be $500. Crack must be really good.

• Will this be the year when people will finally stop using the expressions, “Oh…my…god,” and “Hell-O!” and “I’m baaack!”?

PRESIDENTIAL STATE DINNER 2044

Security problems continued to plague the White House staff during last week’s annual state dinner.

President Trig Palin and First Lady Suri Cruise were surprised when Levi Johnston, Jr., arrived unexpectedly as part of a reality show stunt. This led to the immediate outlawing of all reality shows by President Palin’s Department of Total Lameness.

Despite this minor setback, this year’s presidential dinner was considered a success.

The dinner’s theme was “Pretty Colors,” and the menu featured snickerdoodles, nutella, gum and Lunchables.

The guest of honor was retired Secretary of State Dakota Fanning. She introduced the evening’s entertainment, the cast of “Yo Gabba Gabba,” who were later awarded the Medal of Honor and the Ashton Kutcher Memorial Humor Prize.

The evening reached orgasm when a speech was given by the cryogenically frozen disembodied head of Dick Cheney, former vice president and current Fox News Network commentator.