WHY DO MEN WEAR TIES?

If you have any kids, you will know the answer to this question.

When does your kid tell you that something is due at school on Monday morning? That’s right: on Sunday evening.

My little peep has been working on his John Hancock (how appropriate!) book report for several weeks. We have been ahead of schedule, following the teacher’s written instructions, confident that he’ll be ready on the due date.

But what I didn’t know was that the teacher told him that he also needs to dress like John Hancock as he delivers his oral report.

Which led him to ask Mrs. Jerry K, “Mom, do we have a tux?”

Now, realize that I work in public education. Translation: I have no neckties, one old sports coat that is forced to match with everything, and nothing even approaching a tux.

By some miracle, my hen produced a black sport coat, and something resembling a tie. And it didn’t look bad on him. The length of the coat even fit in with Hancock’s era.

He was a little hesitant about the faux-tie, however. And that was when I informed him that ties are just there to cover up the shirt buttons anyway.

Well, you thought I had farted at a tea party or something.

My hen shot me one of those looks. “Why are you making up such stupid stuff?”

So, off to the Internet I went, because everyone knows that everything on the Web is true.

Turns out that no one is exactly sure why men wear ties. My answer was among the many, so I felt somewhat vindicated.

One answer I found frequently was that men wear ties because they point to their crotches, thereby communicating an image of power.

I never heard of that before, probably because my penis is so enormous, I figured I would never need to point it out to anyone.

THE WORLD'S MOST PERCEPTIVE BANK TELLER

Somebody made my day--perhaps my year--yesterday.

A young, blonde, beautiful bank teller asked me, “Did anyone ever tell you that you look like Tom Hanks?”

This is the first time anyone ever told me I looked like someone who others may actually consider handsome.

Now, when I related this story to Mrs. Jerry K (aka The Hen), I was met with a fusillade of guffaws. I milked the teller’s remark for all it was worth, as husbands will do. Now, two days later, she refers to the teller as “some blonde bitch.”

I just respond by explaining how this teller not only had perfect eyesight, but was also quite intelligent and perceptive.

I have actually been told before that I look like someone else. For example, students have told me I look like Jon, Garfield’s owner in the comic strip. Then again, those students were on crack.

Usually, I will get compared to the actor Daniel Stern. In fact, I was once in a video store, and a little boy approached me and asked, “Were you in ‘Home Alone’?”

“No,” I replied, “I just look like him.”

I’ll never forget the disappointed look on that little boy’s face. If I had to do it over again, I probably would have lied to him. After all, everyone knows that it's perfectly OK to lie to a kid if it makes him happy. That's why my son thinks I wrote "Harry Potter."

The funny thing is, all these people are mistaken, because I think I really look an awful lot like Brad Pitt.