MY NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS

• No more high-fiving of any kind. I actually saw two women high-five each other because they both got their periods on the same day. Kind of takes away the whole meaning of the high-five, don’t you think?

• Eat more Nutella.

• Determine once and for all if Ricky Martin and Elton John are gay.

• Perfect Aunt Flossie’s kasha recipe.

• Stop going to Best Buy, rearranging the DVDs, and then complaining to the manager that they are disorganized.

• Try to understand why receptionists at spas and massage parlors are always so tense.

• Avoid using the phrase, “There you go.”

• Transition from having fun only with chicken parts to having fun with the entire chicken.

• More licking.

THINGS I HOPE TO FIGURE OUT IN 2010

• Why do people wear face masks while using leaf blowers? The leaves and dirt are being blown away from them, and toward us as we walk by. We should be the ones wearing face masks.

• Why are receptionists at massage parlors always so tense? Shouldn’t they be mellow and relaxed in order to show how great their service is?

• Why would anyone rob a 99-Cents Only store? How much money could the register possibly have? Even if the store had a good day and sold 500 items, that would only be $500. Crack must be really good.

• Will this be the year when people will finally stop using the expressions, “Oh…my…god,” and “Hell-O!” and “I’m baaack!”?