MUSIC IS DEAD ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

Here’s just a partial list of rock musicians who appeared during the golden age of Saturday Night Live: Eric Clapton, David Bowie, Elvis Costello, Tom Petty, Jerry Garcia.

That's a pretty impressive list.

But that was then and this is now, so let’s take a look at which musicians have performed on the first three SNL shows of 2010: Katy Perry, Kanye West, and Bruno Mars.

Now that’s some cutting-edge stuff, wouldn’t you say?

Let’s begin with Katy Perry. Now this is not rock music by any stretch of the imagination, but that’s OK, because there’s always room for a little pop music.



But here’s the weird thing that is just bugging the crap out of me: She appears on SNL, which is such a quintessentially New York show. Everything about the show just oozes New York—the opening credits, the house band, the attitude. Even the musicians’ stage on SNL is a mini-version of Grand Central Station.

So, what does Katy sing? Her massive annoying hit, “California Gurls.” It’s tolerable as a piece of studio-produced pop confection on the radio, but performed live it’s just shallow and embarrassing, and the song was exposed for the piece of innocuous fluff that it is. What’s more, if she had any integrity, she should send half the profits from this song to Brian Wilson for ripping off his title.



But if it’s not bad enough that she’s singing such an mediocre song on SNL, at the end of the song, while she’s repeating, “California/California Gurls,” she finishes by yelling out “West Coast!” and triumphantly holding her fingers like a “W.”

Now why would she do that in front of a New York audience? Is she really so clueless that she expects that audience to enthusiastically cheer a shout-out to California? I don’t get it.



The next episode of SNL featured Kanye West. For his number, the stage was transformed into an all-white background with a bunch of attractive ladies vacantly swirling around him.

I would comment on his lyrics, except for the fact that I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE HELL HE WAS SAYING. That’s right, “saying,” because Kanye doesn’t really sing, he just kind of talks.

Just last week, SNL featured Bruno Mars. He performed his (pop) hit, “Grenade.” Now take a look at these lyrics:

I’d take a grenade for ya,
Put my head on a blade for ya,
Jump in front of a train for ya,
I would die for ya,
But you won’t do the same.

So here’s my question: DO YOU KNOW ANY GUY WHO THINKS LIKE THAT? Am I missing something here, or should Bruno call a suicide hotline pronto? And I love the fact that the girl won’t do the same for him. She’s no idiot.



The funny part is that he seems so disappointed and hurt that the girl won’t take a grenade for him. By the way, where is Bruno getting these grenades? Oh, I guess it rhymes with blade and train, so that makes sense.

He was also sporting a bright blue suit and a skinny black tie. That’s the same thing I wore to my sixth grade graduation in 1967. As I watched this performance, I thought, “Hey, that’s my suit! I thought they burned all of those!”

…Not to digress or anything, but while we’re on the subject, here’s another song that drives me crazy: “Billionaire” by Travie McCoy. Here are some (annotated) lyrics for your enjoyment:

I want to be a billionaire,
So freakin’ bad…

(Um, who doesn’t?)

Every time I close my eyes,
I see my name in flashing lights,
A different city every night.

(Every night? That sounds like a real pain in the ass.)

I want to be on the cover of
Forbes magazine,
Hanging out with Oprah and the Queen.

(And what are you and Oprah going to talk about, exactly? Dieting? Her love of Maya Angelou?)

Well, this is what happens when you become an old fart and are forced to listen to Top 40 radio with your 12-year-old son.

Back to SNL: They have aired only three shows so far this year, so all hope is not lost. But once they book Justin Bieber, I’m outta here.

AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH YOKO ONO

The world’s most famous widow, Yoko Ono, recently met with us in our Fun With Chickens penthouse offices, and sat down for a rare, and shockingly honest, interview
.
The failed artist appeared in concert the night before with the latest edition of her Plastic Bozo Band.

This time around, the band’s headliners included the attention-starved Lady GagMe, along with Perry Farrell, who once led a band that never had a hit and that no one remembers.

Rounding out the group were Sean Lennon and Harper Simon, two talentless musicians who are only allowed to stand on stage because they have famous songwriter fathers.

Fun With Chickens: Yoko, thank you for taking the time to speak with us.

Yoko: Well, John was a big fan of your blog, so he would have wanted this.

FWC: I see. I first wanted to ask what your name means in your native language.

Yoko: My name translates as “Screeching Harpy” in Japanese, but in Tagalong it means “Gold digger.”

FWC: Yoko, is it true that you did not know who John Lennon was when you first met him?

Yoko: That is true, I had never heard of the Beatles at that time.

FWC: I find that very difficult to believe, considering they were world famous. Tell me, do you recognize any of these people? (We held up photos of Abraham Lincoln, John F. Kennedy, and Adolph Hitler.)

Yoko: No. They are not the Three Stooges that John loved so much, are they?

FWC: Wow. I really find your inability to identify people who had such a worldwide impact quite perplexing. Let me show you just one more picture. (We held up a portrait of Jesus Christ.)

Yoko: No, I am sorry. Would he happen to be a rich, famous musician who travels without security, and can be easily approached by a deranged stalker who has three names? Because if he is, I would love to meet him. I am down to my last $50 million of John’s money, and I know Sean won’t make jackshit with his crappy albums.

FWC: Well, I certainly am surprised by your honesty.

Yoko: But you see, Fun With Chickens, art is all about truth.

FWC: So Yoko, what are your plans for the future? Do you hope to break up any other famous bands and further deprive the world of some amazing music?

Yoko: Once you have broken up The Beatles, there is really nowhere else to go. You see, John would have been 70 years old this year if he had lived, and so to celebrate the spirit of John’s life, and to honor his contribution to society, I hope to profit off the reissues of every solo album he recorded. They are currently available at your local Wal-Mart and Best Buy stores.

FWC: Unfortunately, Yoko, we do not allow any plugs on Fun With Chickens. But we do appreciate your stopping by and chatting with us.

Yoko: Thank you. By the way, Paul died many years before John, and—for the record--I would just like people to know that I had barely anything to do with his death. Or George’s. Or Ringo’s.

FWC: Thank you for clearing that up. Yoko, because you are so artistic and mystical and wise, is there any message you would like to leave with us?

Yoko: I just want to spread love and peace to chickens all over the world, because if chickens can come together as one, there is nothing we humanoids cannot accomplish. And if you call our toll-free number, 1-800-YOKO-BLOWS, you can order a boxed set of all of John’s solo records and I will personally stamp my autograph on each box with special ink from the blood of angels. The cost is only $599, and I know John would have wanted it that way.

CONGRESS DECLARES DEATH OF ENGLISH LANGUAGE AFTER BLACK-EYED PEAS NEW YEAR’S EVE PERFORMANCE

WASHINGTON, January 1, 2010--As its first act of the new year, Congress has declared the English language officially dead.

The action was taken after viewing a performance by the Black-Eyed Peas during last night’s televised New Year’s Eve celebration.

Performing their schmega-hit, “Boom Boom Pow,” during ABC’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve telecast, the Peas’ performance capped an entire year of songs by various performers who systematically killed the English language throughout 2009.

“We don’t want to single out the Black-Eyed Peas, who seem like a wonderful group of illiterate capitalists,” said Congressman Morty Cluckinbeak (R-Zacky Farms). “This was simply the last straw after monitoring recordings by several top-selling artists of 2009.”

Cluckinbeak, who closely listened to several songs on his “magical phonograph machine,” was able to convince his fellow congressmen after reciting the lyrics to “Boom Boom Pow.”

“Please note that these were grown men singing, and they actually looked a little bored and embarrassed,” Cluckinbeak noted. “There is also a female singer named Fergie, and I believe the royal family should be quite ashamed.”

Cluckinbeak went on to recite the words of the chorus:

“Boom boom pow, got to get
Boom boom pow, got to get
Boom boom pow, got to get
Boom boom pow, got to get
Boom boom pow, now
Boom boom pow, now
Boom boom pow
Boom boom”

“My fellow congressmen, need I go further?” Clucksberg intoned. “Keep in mind that this moronic chorus is repeated exactly fifty times. If you do, however, require further proof that the English language is indeed dead, let me now address the verses of this aural abomination.”

The congressman then recited two verses of “Boom Boom Pow, thusly:

“I’m a beast when you turn me on
Into the future Cybertron
Harder, faster, better, stronger
Sexy ladies extra longer

Cause we got the beat that bounce
We got the beat that pound
We got the beat that 808
That the boom, boom in your town”

Realizing that this song, and many others that sound identical, sold millions of copies in 2009, the entire Congress went on record to state that the English language was officially dead, and further decreed that today’s music lacks imagination, depth, emotion, melody, decent lyrics, and is indeed “fucking awful.”